To the friend who I lost to love,
“Hey idiot where have you been, I miss you” punches your arm, you make a face and then smile, “right there in her eyes. Look at her she’s so pretty, I know I know, you know what I wish for? I wish I was in love with her then at least you’d have a reason to remember me, taking care that I don’t get near your pretty girl (you look annoyed and stick out your tongue). Ugh, stop whining you tell me.
I do, I shut up and sit opposite to you waiting for time to get over, hating myself (I remember how you hated when I indulged in self hate but can’t you see I’m drowning in it right now…), for agreeing to come to this get together but you promised me you won’t let me feel alone, you won’t ditch me, that you actually miss me. ‘When will I learn”, I curse myself. I’m just not made for this, for friendships that last?
I can’t take it anymore I look at you with requesting eyes, you look back and ask what happened… hope, its right back in my heart I knew you can’t just let me go, you still realize. I tell you I feel left out, but you’re not listening anymore you’re too lost in her. It hurts, it hurts to see that you saw and you chose to ignore.
It’s just then that I decide, that the chocolate in my bag (your favourite) with a pathetic wrapping and messy words scribbled on it is the last time I’ll ever see the letters BFF written by me for someone. I hate love and I hate friendship too now and I hate myself because I’m so full of hate. I take it out with trembling hands my voice already cracking when I hold out the chocolate to you which you take hours to notice, I tell you “congratulations duffer” and leave without looking back. I felt your eyes on my back, but it was just too late. I had stopped trying to rekindle whatever we had right then. It’s gone up in flames and we’re no phoenixes who’ll revive again.
But what I can’t hate is you or your pretty girl I hope with all my heart that you guys stay forever, I hope if I ever had an always written for me it happens to you, I hope you stay forever blessed and you realize soon enough that a person like me is not meant to be in your life. I hope that you can write better chapters of your life that I’m no longer there. I hope you understand why I don’t see your texts why I don’t return your calls. I know you’re sorry and I’m sorry but it’s time to move on…there’s no point in watering dead flowers, or holding on to ties that hurt so much. I need you to understand that we humans are very strong, we break down to get our heart shattered but we still get on and we don’t need anybody but ourselves and…God.